Breastfeeding and the Like

Anyone who has experienced pregnancy and childbirth knows that it (nursing) is the best option. The healthiest option. The cheapest option. And some say, the most convenient option. However, for many women, it just isn't possible.

Whether it be due to demanding schedules, a lack of supply, trouble latching or some other issue...some mothers simply are not able to nurse their babies. With my first, I was hellbent on nursing throughout the first year. In the hospital, she had no formula, but was incredibly fussy. They told me that she was getting plenty from my colostrum (pre-milk) alone, so I went with it. However, the second day that we were home, my husband sent me for a much needed nap, and while I was asleep, he gave her a bottle of formula. I was furious. But for the first time since she was born, she was content. She was sleeping. She wasn't constantly screaming every waking minute. She was content. So, for the next two months, I continued to nurse and supplement with formula. However, at two months old she was hospitalized due to RSV and the stress caused my milk to dry up. 

With our second, again, I was hellbent on nursing. I knew what to expect this time around (that it was not as easy as people had made it out to be) and was prepared. Yes, I was working full time. Yes, I was in school. And yes, this time, I also had a two year old to tend to. I gave it my best shot. But between everything I was juggling, it was almost impossible. I took my breaks at work to pump. I nursed every time that I was with him. But it just wasn't enough. And under all the stress, I made the choice to take trying to nurse off of my list.

Finally, with our last, I went into it hellbent on nothing. I knew that it could go either way. But, I wasn't working this time. I was on a break from school. My oldest was in pre-k. So I gave it another shot. In the hospital, I supplemented with formula (though I let him nurse as much as he wanted, even though he wasn't getting much, as my milk didn't come in until after we got home). When we got home, he was a little underweight, so they had me on schedule to feed him every four hours. An alarm was set on my phone to wake me up, religiously, every four hours. I was exhausted, and the fact that he was a lazy baby who wanted to sleep through the night made it even harder. I had to wake him up every four hours, as well. I wasn't producing as much as he needed, but I kept at it. He still wasn't gaining enough weight, so the lactation consultant that we saw suggested we supplement with formula. We did, but RARELY. Maybe 4 ounces of formula per day. I felt like I had a permanent growth. He was constantly attached to me. I barely left the bedroom, and it didn't take long for me to start getting some serious post partum depression issues. After 6 solid weeks of giving it my best, I gave up. I couldn't do it. It was an added stress that was affecting everyone in our home, including my other two children. So, we switched to exclusive formula and he started gaining weight like he needed to. 

Like I said, for some women, it's just not doable. I'm not proud to admit that I couldn't...but I am proud to say that all three of my babies developed beautifully.

Yes, we all know that nursing is the best option, physically. It has great benefits and in a perfect world, it would be possible and sustainable for every women in the world. But the fact is, it's just not. And until all of us (mothers) accept that, there will be a ripple in the pool of motherhood (Yes, I'm very aware of how cheesy that sounded). Instead of pointing the finger at who is and isn't nursing, why not be supportive of the women who try and end up having to go a different route? Why not support the woman who makes the choice NOT to nurse? 

Get with it, ladies. Choose your battles. This is one that can't be changed...so the best option is to choose to coexist. 

For Those of Us with Daughters...

As most of you know, I have a daughter. I feel an enormous responsibility to instill certain things in her, in a way I suspect my husband feels towards our boys. I worry often that she is seeing certain things reflected in me that she may start to do herself, thinking that it's the "norm". For example, I've had body image issues for as long as I can remember (and that goes back to about age 4). I've always had to fight to maintain a certain weight, and to make peace with certain things about my appearance (though my biggest issue is obsessing over my weight). A few months ago, I was in the bathroom getting ready when I saw her step on the scale, wait for a number to come up, and then get excited, "30! Yesssss!". The scale did say 30.something lbs. But I don't think she knew what the number meant. But she has seen me step on the scale so many times, and either breathe a sigh of relief or step off, completely disappointed with myself. This is not a trend that I want her to start.

One of the things I worry about most, is that she won't take the opportunity to further her education with college and establish a career and life for herself before settling down to get married and have children. Don't get me wrong. Marrying my husband and having our children has been the highlight of my life. But it's also been hard. Hard in ways that I never want her to experience. Hard in ways that could have been prevented by me finding myself before I settled down. I want an easier path for her. And to be honest, I lose sleep sometimes worrying about how I'll explain to her why she should wait to settle down when I jumped right in.

Another thing, and this is a big one. We live in a world of "mean girls" and I don't want that for her. I want her to be a nice girl. Not in a 1950's prudish kind of way (though I won't complain if she's that kind of nice girl, too!). But in a simple "I'm a nice person" kind of way. I do not want her to be the girl that is so jealous of other girls that she can't maintain a friendship with any females. I do not want her to be a bully. I do not want other girls to be wary of her, whether or not they can trust her around their boyfriends, whether or not they can trust her to keep a secret, or whether or not they can safely approach her. I want her to be smart and steer clear of drama, because it will certainly find her on it's own. As women, we have to start raising nicer girls. If not, they're going to end up killing each other (*facepalm*).

As mentioned before, it is so important for her to know that she is more than just a body or a pretty face. She has to understand what it means to be beautiful on the inside, and how much more important that kind of beauty is. Her self worth has to depend on more than her looks. Mine never has and I don't want that for her.

When she decides that she's ready to become "active", she should know how to protect herself, and it's my job that she does. It's equally important that she feel comfortable to talk to me about it if she needs to (though I can't promise that I won't have a nervous breakdown once she leaves the room). It's really important to me that she understands the gravity of this decision (because not many young people grasp this), and the impact of the possible consequences.

It's important that ZoeJane knows that she deserves the best when she decides to settle down. She needs to understand that she doesn't have to settle for anything. It's important for her to know that she's worth the wait for the right person. She needs to know that she doesn't need to be with someone to be happy, but that with the right person, her happiness can be increased. Showing her that she deserves respect is key. And teaching her that she also has to give respect where it's due is also important. Mutual respect is the secret to success in any relationship, especially when it comes time to settle down and share your life with someone.

And finally, something that I'm working on now: She has to believe that she can do anything that she wants. Once she has children (if she chooses to do so), she is not tied down to children and a home. She can choose to stay with them or to be a working mother. She needs to understand that changing her last name doesn't have to mean losing herself. And if she chooses to follow the same path I have, she needs to know that it's never too late to better herself.

So...for those of you with daughters, what is important for your daughter to know?